hot take: your wedding planning is not a group project
how to actually reclaim decision making authority
Put a finger down if at some point your wedding planning stopped being “just the two of us planning the most special day of our lives and a celebration of our love” and quietly became a family PR exercise, popularity contest or a board meeting where someone notoriously ends up crying.
Someone has opinions, someone has requests, and someone just doesn’t get that it isn’t their wedding.
After years of observing what people do right and what people do wrong, I’ve narrowed it down to a basic framework: veto, vote & update.
"You’re being so ungrateful”
Before we get into it, let’s talk about the conversation you have either already had with a parent, sibling, or best friend - or a conversation that you inevitably will have at some point during this beautiful wedding planning journey.
It often happens when the help isn’t actually helping:
Your mum is “just sharing some ideas” but somehow also has thoughts on who you invite, what you wear and how “formal” it should be
Your future MIL is “just checking what our plans are” while sliding in links to her preferred venue / band / decorator
Your maid of honour has three chaotic Pinterest boards that look nothing like you
Your cousin who once planned a birthday party now feels weirdly in charge
Followed by your other cousin who reads every message in the WhatsApp chat within a minute but never replies
Your venue coordinator is gently steering you towards whatever is easiest for them on the day
Your group chat + Instagram are sending you 15 “you HAVE to do this” Reels a week
On paper: so much support.
In reality: 38 people involved, 0 clear decisions made.
That’s not support. That’s a committee (and the famous saying is committees are where decisions go to die) 💀
So here’s your daily reminder: you’re not indecisive – you’re over-democratising something that was never meant to be a group project.
You are not the problem
Here’s the reframe:
The issue isn’t “how do we make everyone happy?”
It’s “who actually gets a say in this, and to what level?”
Not everyone should have the same level of power over your day. I’m not silly, let’s be honest in the fact that money and culture do influence that – but they don’t erase you. So instead of one big “everyone piles in” circle, let’s think in three levels:
VETO – tiny inner circle
VOTE – small, trusted crew
UPDATE – literally everyone else
Here’s what that looks like in practice (but likely will look very different based on your scenario). I’d highly recommend doing this exercise regardless of whether you are a few months into wedding planning, or a few weeks away from the big day - there will be tons of minor and major decisions being made regardless.
1. VETO people (tiny, tiny list)
These are the only people who can say:
“Absolutely not, that doesn’t feel right for this wedding.”
For most couples, that’s:
You
Your partner
That’s it. 🙂
Now, here’s where money can complicate it:
If you and your partner are paying for everything yourselves → the VETO list really is just the two of you.
If parents / family are paying for a significant chunk (like venue, catering, large % of total budget), they might get strong VOTE energy, and in very specific situations, a soft veto on the thing they’re directly funding.
Example:
If your parents are paying for the catering, it’s fair they have opinions on the style of service or whether the food will actually feed everyone.
It’s less fair if that suddenly means they control your entire guest list, music, and dress.
Good litmus test:
“If this person wasn’t paying for anything, would I still want them to have final say over this decision?”
If the answer is no, they’re not VETO. They might be an important VOTE, but they don’t outrank you on your own wedding. It’s a hard conversation, but the sooner you have it, the better.
2. VOTE people (small, trusted crew)
These are the people whose opinions you actively want in the mix, because they’re:
emotionally close
practically helpful
or financially involved in a real way
They might be:
A parent who is actually supportive (and not just projecting their dream)
Your maid of honour / best man who knows your dynamic
A planner or coordinator who understands logistics
The parent(s) funding a big element of the day
They get to vote, not decide.
You go to them for:
“Are we missing something obvious?”
“Does this feel realistic?”
“Are we wildly underestimating how long this will take / how much this will cost?”
You listen. You consider. But final call still comes back to you and your partner.
Nice default script:
“We really value your opinion and we’ll definitely take it into account. We’ll let you know what we decide.”
Note the last part: we decide.
3. UPDATE people (everyone else)
Everyone who isn’t VETO or VOTE? They’re not on the decision team - they’re on the update list.
They get told what’s happening once you’ve decided. Not before.
“We’ve booked X venue.”
“We’ve decided to keep it adults-only.”
“We’re going for a smaller guest list, so it’ll just be immediate family and close friends.”
“We’re not doing traditional speeches, we’re keeping it short and chilled.”
Past tense. Done. No WhatsApp poll. No “what does everyone think?” follow-up.
If someone in the UPDATE group starts acting like VETO (guilt-tripping, sulking, going behind your back trying to change things), that doesn’t mean you made the wrong call.
It means they’re not used to limitations.
You’re allowed to calmly say:
“I get that you’d have done it differently, but we’re really happy with this decision.”
or
“We’re keeping final decisions between us so it doesn’t get too overwhelming, but I really appreciate that you care.”
Short. Calm. Slightly boring. Then change the topic swiftly away from my wedding day, please.
But culture + money are a big deal:
Honestly, I get it. Every family, culture, generation and couple are used to doing something completely different. If you’re the first to get married, you might face a lot of “oh no, we can’t offend so & so” or “no, we need to set the example right”; and if you’re the last to get married, you might face a lot of “but we’ve never done it like that before?” or “that’s not fair”. In no way, shape or form and I saying we should disrespect or ignore those views - ultimately relationships last a lifetime and your wedding will last a week. But, there has to be a way to hold both:
Acknowledge reality:
“This day matters to our families and culture, not just us.”Still create structure:
Parents / elders might sit in VOTE for specific cultural, religious or guest-related decisions.
You and your partner stay VETO on things that impact your mental health, relationship and core values.
You can say:
“We want to honour the traditions that matter to you, and we also want it to feel like us. So let’s focus your input on [X/Y/Z areas], and we’ll handle the rest.”
That way, money and culture are respected, but they don’t swallow your entire day whole.
Tiny homework: redraw the circle
Open your Notes app and make three headings:
VETO / VOTE / UPDATE
Now put actual names in each and be brutally honest:
If your VETO list has more than you + partner (and maybe one very, very specific exception), that’s a big part of why everything feels heavy.
If your VOTE list is longer than 3–4 people, that’s why every choice turns into a family summit.
If someone is currently acting like VETO but your gut says they belong under UPDATE (or at most VOTE)… that’s your next boundary conversation.
You don’t have to announce this framework on a PowerPoint. You just start quietly behaving like it’s true:
Less “So what does everyone think?”
More “Here’s what we’ve decided, thanks for understanding.”
At the end of the day, it’s your relationship; you don’t need more opinions.
If you’re a paid subscriber, comment below your true experience with this framework and whether or not it’s helping you set boundaries. Our comments are all to help other couples out - and that truly is through shared + lived experiences. ❤︎